What It Feels Like to Grieve Parents Who Are Still Alive

I’ve been grieving my parents and for some people, that might not make any sense because my parents are both very much alive and well. They’re young even. Probably at the best they’ve ever been in their lives. But, my grief has been weighing really heavily on me. Going no contact with parents is never the choice that anyone wants to make, and it feels like everyone judges you for having made it. “But, she’s your mom!” “But, they’re your parents! I’m sure they tried.” Going no contact with family isn’t ever someone’s first choice I would think. It usually would come after many uncomfortable conversations and possibly conflicts and then the parents don’t listen/care. Or at least, this is my recent experience. Grieving parents who are still alive is a different kind of hurt.

There’s such a complicated grief family estrangement brings. The very people you spend your whole life growing up with are now strangers to you. For me, I haven’t seen any of my family since May 5. I reached out 7 times and just recently had to decide to stop because it just hurts too much,

Some days no contact with parents hasn’t bothered me. I feel like I’m driving my own bus and making all my own decisions. But with the holiday season looming… I am having a lot of feelings and they’ve been feeling really heavy.

Bipolar disorder and family are always complicated. Unless you have a supportive family.. which , if you do, please comment below because I just never hear stories like this enough. I’ve always been “emotional” and “dramatic”. Now we call it bipolar disorder type 2 but growing up I was called a problem. My emotions were far too large for my small arms to carry on my own and my parents were not well versed in emotional strength. I’ve also learned that emotional stress can make me pay much closer attention to my mental health. When something this big is happening in my life, I have to be aware of changes in my sleep, energy, thoughts and emotions.  (Read – Early Warning Signs of Bipolar Disorder You Can’t Ignore)

Growing up always felt like I was okay as long as I was doing everything that my parents told me to do. But, if I messed up, veered off the path, or made a stupid choice, that was it. I’d snowball. I really wanted to make them proud of me, but my adult years would later teach me that that was probably a feeling I wasn’t ever going to achieve.

Bipolar disorder and family relationships, well, really, any relationships, can be so challenging to navigate. But, I think even more so if those relationships are with people who doubt the significance of an invisible illness or its obvious impacts. I always felt like I wasn’t unwell enough to say anything. It was always a competition and one of my parents was always the winner. My struggles weren’t of any importance because I was a child and according to them, had not yet learned the definition of struggle. (I wrote a sarcastic little article 45 Sarcastic Comebacks To “You Don’t Look Bipolar”)

But, I’ve been self-harming since I was 4. I remember it. My parents would scream at me to smarten up. I was taken to doctors and asked what was wrong with me. I knew I wasn’t “normal” for as long as I can ever remember. My emotions wore me down. I couldn’t just “let things go”. Things affected me so much.. Even things that were small and “ridiculous” for me to have any sort of emotional response about. 

My emotions were shut down for as long as I can remember. As a parent… I don’t know how I would handle a child like me. But my first instinct with my babies is to ask if they need a hug. I know that I would have liked a hug.

I’ve been feeling grief after going no contact, and, really, I didn’t even mean to go no contact. It’s more that my parents are no contact with me. They’ve decided they don’t want me a part of their lives any more and I’m just sort of putting those pieces together.

Before going no contact with my parents, I never thought about what life would look like if I wasn’t in regular contact with them. Things like holidays, traditions, birthdays, etc have all changed. I’m not anyone’s child anymore and it’s my job to make everything special for my kids and no one really does that for me. I feel like an orphan. Like I have no roots or extension to anyone past the people in my house. 

I’ve said to my husband before while trying to come to terms with all this, that I think it would be easier if my parents had actually passed away. I know that sounds morbid and I’m sorry if I offend anyone. But grieving them alive is a different kind of hurt that I can’t seem to find ways to ease.

Every day I have a feeling of wanting to call my mom. I feel like I’m navigating a world that is so complicated and terrible and I have no one to ask advice from. I have nowhere to run if things get scary. There’s no one looking out for me. I have no village. It all just rests on me and my husband and we’ve been great but… I do miss my mom.

I’m grieving that she knew when something was wrong before I even said anything. She always remembered my birthday. She cooked my favorite meal. She heard me. Listened. Sometimes anyways. And mostly.. She made me laugh. My mom has a unique way of seeing things and sometimes all I could do was laugh. But it felt nice to know I had her in my corner.

Now.. I long to hear her voice. But the hurt in my heart is loud and deep. I didn’t mean to go no contact with my parents. So it’s not even like I can find peace in that. I’m grieving that my parents no longer want me or my family.