When Body Image Insecurities Meet Bipolar Disorder: My Personal Story

Is there something you feel insecure about despite trying to overcome it? I feel like I get in a vicious mental circle trying to get through it. My insecurities spark ruminating thoughts and before I know it, the demons are knocking at my door. Well, they’re not even knocking. They’re breaking the door down and making an entrance. “Hello, hello, Natasha. Your demons are back.” It makes it challenging to cope with the constant vulnerabilities that they bring. It’s hard to live with insecurities. It’s really hard to know how to explain them too. I suppose to some extent, insecurities are normal.

But there’s something that I’m extremely insecure about that sometimes really gets me down. It deeply affects my mental health. It affects all parts of me. And I’ve never publicly talked about it before. But maybe some of you will be able to relate? Maybe someone will feel less alone by reading this.

And then it will have been worth it. To share. It would be worth it to share something so vulnerable if one of you reading can relate. 

If you want to dive deeper into what is bipolar disorder read our guide over here – Bipolar Disorder & Bipolar Babes Club.

To understand my insecurity, you must first know that I’m going to be talking about bipolar disorder and body image along with body insecurity and bipolar disorder. I’ll be sharing some personal stuff surrounding rapid weight loss, an unhealthy mindset and recovering. If these topics don’t feel safe to you, then please skip this post. Sending love and healing dust to all. Let’s get into body image and bipolar disorder.

Living with body insecurity and bipolar disorder

When I first met my husband, I was in what I thought was my prime. I had just gotten out of a relationship that left me feeling completely lost. My life was lacking direction and my heart had no compass. I had a tremendously distorted self-image. I had no self-worth whatsoever and add motherhood on top of that and I was living in constant reckless chaos of my own doing.

How Bipolar Disorder Amplifies Body Image Struggles

I was wandering through relationships recklessly, solely doing what felt good at the time and never being worried about potential consequences afterwards. I flirted with risk and sadly, found my self-worth in being desirable. (This was before I knew what is bipolar disorder.)

I liked being beautiful and playing games.(Hello mania.) I had a 14 month old little boy; I was working hard and enjoying some socializing here and then again after shutting the world out for a long time. I had such distorted self-image. 

So, when I say I was lost, I was definitely lost. I was sure that no one was ever going to want me after having a baby. (SUCH an old-fashioned thought, I know.) I felt so inadequate and bad. I threw myself into losing weight. At this time I didn’t know I had bipolar disorder and body image was not something on my mind. I grew up with a mother that was constantly dieting. It was just how life was.

Losing weight was just something everyone was trying to do, always. I remember trying on my graduation dress feeling like a princess only to be told that it would look better if I lost ten pounds. And that was her being nice. I was raised to know that I was only as good as my body was. I was only important and worthy if I was desirable.  

I wanted to be as small as possible. I was raised on a single motto that was repeated constantly to me. “Do more, eat less.” A breeding ground for eating disorders, I can see that now. It sparked body dysmorphia.

Rapid weight loss and an unhealthy mindset

I lost 75 pounds really fast. I was also working long hours at McDonald’s and being a single parent to my little baby. Now, 35 year old me looks back and feels sad. 

After the birth of my son, it took a long time to come back to myself. And the weight just fell off completely. I was sick and weak and I couldn’t see it whatsoever. I lived life with a scale always easily accessible so I could measure my worth that day. (Bad sarcastic joke, but really. That’s how bad it was.) It would decide what I could eat or if I was solely existing on water. (I realise that sounds heavy and I’m making it sound like nothing, but it was something. It just took me a long time to unravel it.)

And, because of how I was raised, I really didn’t know that this wasn’t good. In fact, I was celebrated all the time for my weight loss. I was praised and always asked how I did it. I felt great because I had finally done something right. I was small. That’s what my parents always wanted for me. I thrived in their praises. I was so happy they noticed. I felt like I finally made them proud.

The Dangerous Cycle of Extreme Weight Loss and Mental Health

But I had such immense body insecurity; bipolar disorder still wasn’t in the conversation yet either. I always thought I was enormous when in reality I weighed 125 pounds and I’m five feet eight inches tall. I was not strong or fit or healthy by any means. I was frail. And, I didn’t know but I was struggling with body dysmorphia. And the mental health impact was massive.

But, it’s at this time in my life that I met my now husband. And I was, as society would repeatedly tell me, beautiful. (Though, I never saw it. My poor body image haunted me constantly. It wasn’t until later in life that I realized this wasn’t normal.) 

Fast Forward: life, kids and a different body

Fast forward 13 years, 2 more kids and some health issues and I can tell you, I do not weigh 125 pounds anymore. I am not thin by any means. I’ve been dealing with weight gain from bipolar medication and it’s taken a huge toll on my mental health. Living well with bipolar disorder IS possible. It just takes an enormous amount of daily work. It’s exhausting.

But the thing I feel so insecure about? I am a completely different size now than what I was when my husband met me. While I was long and thin, and I am now long and… well… not thin. LOL But I am stronger than I have ever been. I’m running again; my sciatica pain has been resolved, my patellar tendonitis has gotten better and I’m all around doing pretty okay. And, for me, someone with bipolar disorder, it’s really nice to be doing okay.

Healing the Mind and Learning to Live With Bipolar Disorder

But, in the dark moments when my thoughts swirl and I’m absolutely trapped and suffocated by ruminating thoughts, I feel like he (my husband) got the short end of the stick. He still looks like he did 13 years ago, just better. And me? I’ve been dealing with weight gain from bipolar medication and, to be honest, lifestyle choices and needed some mindful mental health tools. Through a long journey of self-discovery, mental health healing and learning my emotional triggers, I’ve slowly changed.

Sometimes I feel like I failed or something because my body changed sizes. I know that it’s normal. I know that everyone says that it’s okay that your body changes sizes. But, when you’re in it, it feels a little different for some of us, I think. 

Somehow the world, my upbringing, and society have all convinced me that my worth, my value and my being are wrapped up tightly in the number on the scale. That’s what I grew up seeing. That’s how I was raised. I had a mom that did the cabbage soup diet okay? My house reeked and all she ate was this horrible, disgusting cabbage soup that would somehow make her skinny. (My mom was always very small and I don’t see how she could have gotten any smaller.) I remember wondering why the heck she was eating something she clearly hated. Obviously being skinny was a top priority.

I always knew that smaller was better. That smaller would make people like me more. And, as I grew older and my body kept changing, I could see that it was going to be really hard for me to stay small.

What I’ve learned about health beyond size

Before anyone comes at me about gaining so much weight, my doctor is fully aware of the situation and isn’t concerned about anything whatsoever. I am active and frequently try to add new things like yoga or weightlifting. Summertime I spend camping, hiking, swimming and sweating in the hot sun. I am living life and for the first time in my life, I think I’m stable and pretty happy. Bipolar isn’t something you just “get over”.

Fighting bipolar depression

I fought with my demons for so long that I thought they’d bury me. They dug my grave and invited me in. They teased and taunted. Always doing what they could to bring me down. But, over the years, I’ve done a lot of healing. Though, I do enjoy me a snarky comment here and there.

I certainly didn’t heal myself so hard that I don’t have bipolar disorder anymore, but that would most definitely be nice. I spent a long time working towards healing my negative body image and bopolar disorder.

But I spent a long time healing my mind when it comes to bipolar disorder and body image. I started following accounts that made me feel good and learnt how to reframe negative thoughts. I started finding my sense of self again. Who I was. Besides a mother. Like who my own person was. 

During this time I was coming to terms with my mental illness and sort of starting to understand that there was a reason for the way I was. 

My husband constantly was reminding me that my bipolar disorder was not a flaw and not something to try to change. I spent a long time learning my triggers and understanding my emotions. There are still times when I surprise myself but I have come a long way. 

I had to try seven different bipolar disorder medications before finding a combination that worked for any length of time. If you’ve been through that, you know how much it sucks. You’ve been dealing with constant side effects for years. It was horrible. I tried so many. Valproic acid, lamotrigine, abilify, latuda, sertraline, lorazepam, quetiapine, lurasidone and I just can’t remember any more. 

I struggled with finding a bipolar medication that worked and didn’t make me sleepy. I was a mother to a 5 year old, 3 year old and 1 year old. I couldn’t be sleepy all the time. 

I remember lying on the couch crying with my kids crawling all over me crying for a snack. I felt defeated. I felt like I wasn’t strong enough to push through. There were so many sad days that I felt like they would never end. My world was constantly grey. Never seeing colour. 

Healing my relationship with my body

For the last three years (besides the short break last fall when I decided I was cured again and went off my meds again), I’ve been on the same cocktail with minor adjustments. 

During the summer I find I sleep better and need less meds than during the winter. Living with bipolar disorder means always being hyperaware of everything, doesn’t it? Every single part of you, your thoughts, your mood, everything, you become hyperfixated on because it could signal a shift in mood cycles.

How Self-Awareness and Reframing Thoughts Can Transform Body Image

We have such a high level of self-awareness because that’s how we can exist in the real world. We have to always know where we’re at and then question what’s coming. We’re always in a spiral of questioning our mood states and frankly, it’s exhausting. It’s part of always having to do bipolar disorder management.

So, while I have been healing my relationship with my body and working on reframing self-sabotaging thoughts, there are still moments that I find myself drowning in body insecurity and feel bad that I’m not the same size as I was when my husband met me. 

Learning to Embrace Evolution While Living With Bipolar Disorder

But, life is about growth. Evolution. Change. And so, to think that I’d not changed from the time my husband met me would be sort of sad, would it not? We must always be changing. That’s how we be better. Learning, growing and changing. To be the best versions of ourselves, constantly. If I was still the same as I was back then, I wouldn’t be who I am today. 

So I’m working through a fair bit of internal things still. Still actively reframing thoughts and working to reassure myself that my body is the least interesting thing about me. But doing that silently while loudly loving my body because my sons and daughter are listening. Doing the work silently while I’m learning to exist loudly. Learning that it’s okay to take up space. Never mind, okay. It’s beautiful. It’s beautiful to take up space and be whoever you are. The purest, most authentic version of you.

It took me until my 30s to get a good idea of who I am and what I believe. I had a lot of reparenting and healing to do that took up my 20s. Well, along with being a mother. But now I’m in my mid-30s, and I understand so much more. I know that my bipolar disorder is not a flaw. I know that gaining weight from bipolar medication is not failure. I am alive. I grow, change, move, evolve and continue. So in this season of life, this is where I’m at. And I’m stable and happy. 2 things that are often hard to come by. 

So, while no, my body isn’t the same as it was when my husband met me, my heart is and that’s what really matters isn’t it?

If you’re new here and just randomly found my website somehow and you’re not sure what bipolar disorder is, so you’re a little confused, here are a few resources that you might find helpful.

• What Is Bipolar Disorder
• Bipolar Disorder
• Bipolar Disorder and Addictions