Let’s Catch Up Babes
It’s been a while since I wrote. My life has turned into one shit show after another and I’ve been left grappling with what’s left. On top of that, I have this stupid bipolar disorder that makes dealing with emotional events all that much harder. To say I’ve been spiraling wouldn’t really explain it right. I think I’ve been circling and not really moving in any one direction at all. So, let’s go back over the last few months and I’ll spill the tea. Everything I share is real and I’m going to be bluntly honest. Since February 2026, my life has been a fucking rollercoaster. And, I don’t like rollercoasters.
In February 2026, something shifted in my oldest son. For the sake of this post, we’ll call him “K”. K and I have always had a really challenging relationship. I had him at 20 under the guidance of my mom and I still think that has something to do with why everything turned out the way it did, but that’s a story for another day.
K had shown aggression and violent tendencies for years. But, in 2026, he’s now 15. He’s the size of a grown man. Taking a punch from him at 15 is vastly different than when he was 7 and 8.
When he was 10, he picked up a huge fire truck toy and whipped it at me. Unprovoked. I had asked him to wash his hands. And this was his reply. I was cut and bruised up. When he was 7 he bit my ankle so hard that he took a chunk of skin out and I still have the scar. That was because I asked him to wait while I nursed his 2 month old brother. It was always hard. That isn’t even the worst of it really. I struggled so much to step into motherhood and I never was a good enough mother for him.
Before you come at me in my DMs to think about K and how I’m talking, just don’t do that okay? This is my space where I can be honest and free. And I don’t need anymore people making me feel like garbage. Not all women are destined to be moms and I think I was thrown into it and stripped of all my autonomy. But, I never didn’t try. There is a clear, detailed and well-documented medical history of everything we’ve been through and so far the only words ever attached to him are words like “abusive”, “disrespectful”, “narcissistic” and flat out “mean.” There has also been mention of “psychopath.
He’s been to the same doctor since he was 6 weeks old. There’s no gap in his medical care. I did everything I could ever do to try to be his mom. But on March 20, 2026, he came home threatening what he was going to do to me if I told anyone what was going on in our home. And it was unspeakable. By this point he had mentioned my death numerous times. My other two kids were repeatedly getting hurt by him and he never ever showed an ounce of remorse. I was afraid. Every minute of every day. The kids didn’t go downstairs alone if he was downstairs. I didn’t pee if the 3 were on the same floor unsupervised. My kids are ages 15, 12 and 9, so this is definitely not normal. My two younger kids had a safety plan of where to hide so K couldn’t get to them in that mood.
I finally told his biological dad that K would have to live with him. This was after so many years of begging for help, support, answers, something. I was tortured by this relationship with my son. My son left that day. He told me he “fucking hated me” and gave me the finger. He hopped into his dads car and drove away. And I didn’t hear from him for a month.
But, during that month, it became clear that my parents and sister were spending time with him and welcoming him into their lives. They did not call to check on me or ask how I was or ask K why on earth he was so awful to me. They bought him presents, took him places and basically rewarded his behaviour. It broke me.
My parents haven’t seen my younger 2 kids since April 17 and I don’t know when or if they will. When I told my mom of how much I hurt that she had K over so soon after he left and never even asked how I was doing or the other two kids, her reply was that she didn’t need my permission because he didn’t live with me anymore.
The blatant disrespect of the fact that I am in fact the mother. And the last 15 years have been a struggle. But, my mom just tells me I’m not a victim.
My doctor tells me I am. That I’ve been enduring years of abuse. That I’ve been carrying it for way too long. That my mom failed me. That I did everything I could for my oldest son but I can’t change him. That I am a good mom. These are things I’ve heard from my doctor of 20 years.
So during that month, I was pretty distraught. I was so sad. I had never been away from my child for so long. Nothing made sense anymore. And then my mom would send me photos of them celebrating with him looking all happy and it was so infuriating and confusing.
I felt so low. I barely got through it. But I leaned on my 2 kids, husband and friends. My friends would randomly drop in to bring me flowers, baked treats, and hugs. I cried on their shoulder and they’d help me put all the pieces back together. Over and over.
It’s July 8 now and no, my kids haven’t seen their grandparents. I did try to email my dad a little life update about the kids but he didn’t reply. I am the black sheep. Things with my oldest son still suck. I’ve seen him a handful of times since he left and none were easy and comfortable. I can’t forget everything that was said. And I struggle to let go.
Sometimes I get stuck in a circle of thought that I can’t possibly be a good mother when my oldest son turns out like that. But, my two younger children (12 and 9) are literal angels on earth.
I know some of you will read this and judge me because that’s just how humans are. But, maybe there’s a mom reading that has a complicated relationship with her child and people make her feel bad about it. It’s not your fault and you’re not alone.
The last 3 and a half months I’ve just been focused on survival. I walk, clean things, listen to audiobooks and spend time in my garden. I try to find joy in everything. But, when it’s just me and my thoughts… I can’t help but go back to – why don’t my parents love me? Why don’t they want to be in my kids’ lives? Why was my relationship with my oldest son so volatile? Will things ever be okay?
I don’t know the answers to anything right now. But I do know that my two younger kids deserve a healthy mother who doesn’t want to actively unalive herself. My oldest son is doing good with his dad from my understanding as well so even though I’m sad, I’m also happy too.
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