Who am I really? It’s a question many of us living with bipolar disorder ask on a daily basis. Am I the energetic entrepreneur that seems to emerge every cycle of hypomania? Am I the sad, low nothingness that consumes me during the depression phase? Does the real me exist somewhere in the middle? Who am I and which version of me is the real one? The emotional instability people with bipolar disorder live with distorts everything. You learn that you can’t truly trust how you feel pretty early on. And somewhere along the way, you sort of lose who you thought you were and are left to wonder which piece of you is the real one. Today we’ll dive into 5 ways bipolar disorder distorts the sense of self and what you can do about it.
1. Shifting Identity Between Mood States
During mania/hypomania and depressive states, people with bipolar disorder may do and say things that they wouldn’t otherwise. It can make it really hard to understand which you is the real one. Are you the confident, impulsive person during mania or the low, hopeless one during depression? I struggle with this so much. How can one person be so many different versions? It makes me feel like I’m faking it, which often sends me down another spiral. Bipolar disorder and sense of self is so complicated.
2. Memory Fog and Mood-Dependent Recall
Bipolar disorder often affects memory and how we recall events. You may remember things differently depending on your current mood, which distorts your life narrative and makes it difficult to trust your own perception of past experiences. (If you want to read more about bipolar disorder and memory, check out this article – Bipolar Disorder and Memory.)
3. Impulse-Driven Behavior in Mania
Mania can lead to risk-taking, overspending, hypersexuality, or grandiose actions that feel foreign once the episode passes. The shame or confusion afterward can leave you questioning who you really are and what you actually want. Personally, I’ve purchased way too many things I never needed and made too many big life decisions during hypomania. And that’s not to mention the need to always change my hair color, cut it, get a new piercing or tattoo. Impulsivity is so hard to deal with. And I find it’s one that’s commonly misunderstood.
4. Emotional Numbness in Depression
During depressive episodes, a person may lose interest in things they once loved or feel completely disconnected from their passions and relationships. This emotional shutdown can make you feel like your “real self” has vanished.
5. Internalized Stigma and Self-Doubt
Living with a misunderstood condition like bipolar disorder can lead to internalised shame or self-stigma. Over time, this can erode self-esteem and make you define yourself more by your illness than by your true personality, strengths, or dreams.
Which One of These Is the Real You?
When you live with bipolar disorder, it can feel like you’re constantly shifting between different versions of yourself—each one with its own voice, desires, and behaviours. The energetic, driven person in a manic state might seem like the “true you” at first, full of confidence and ideas. But then depression hits, and suddenly you’re withdrawn, unmotivated, and questioning everything. It’s unsettling to look back at the things you said or did in another mood state and feel disconnected from them—as if someone else had taken over. This ongoing identity whiplash can leave you asking, Which version is really me? The truth is, all of them are you—but filtered through the lens of a brain struggling with extreme mood swings. Reconnecting with your core values, interests, and intentions—outside of any episode—is key to finding your sense of self again.